Shame

Shame. 
Disgust. 
Disappointment. 
These are the feelings that well up inside me whenever the event comes to my mind. That happens far too often, any little seemingly insignificant thing can set it off. It fills my mind. I can still feel his hands. Brushing softly over my lips, across my stomach, 
searching, 
exploring, 
touching; 
and I did nothing to stop it. I just lay there with my eyes closed, convincing myself it was fine, consumed with frustration and pent up desire, though none of it directed at the one I was with. 
No. 
Everything came from Him. From the one who constantly invaded my thoughts. The one I knew would never feel the same way, but always hoped. Deep in the recesses of my mind, I hoped he could one day see me as I saw Him, feel the jolt and thrill that I felt when I was near Him. How I long to be able to give Him the same rush he gives me, but I know it won't happen, know it's not meant to be. But even though I know all of that, I can't help but wish for it still. I can't stop the desire from entering my mind, usually at times when I least want it to. 
That night was one of those times. 
Those thoughts filled my mind with an intensity I had only experienced a few times before. I desperately wanted Him to protect me, to fight for me, to not leave me there; but He did.
It wasn't his fault, He could never have imagined anything like what happened could occur. I know all of that, yet at the time I still blamed Him. I used Him to justify what I did, or more accurately, didn't do. My passive state of acceptance, and while I could forgive myself for that, that isn't what consumes my thoughts.
The thing that stops me cold every time, is the deeper truth, 
the underlying emotion that takes a hold of me whenever the event comes to mind. 
I wish it was disgust, 
disappointment, 
shame. 
I wish that was all I felt, that I could deal with; but that's not what's underneath, not what's scratching at the surface. 
That isn't what scares me and keeps it on my mind. What scares me is the desire. 
I feel a lust within me, a secret wish to experience it again, to feel it. Just the sweet parts, mind you. The soft, careful touch across my lips, my cheek. The hand holding mine with such care. I felt protected, felt safe, even though the situation was far from it, though afterward it made me sick. 
I wish everyday that all of that could have come from another, come from Him. 
Yet, I know it can't, it won't. 
That is what pushes me downward into shame, lust and confusion. I don't know how to fix it. 
How to fix myself. 

Someone Like You

Never mind, I'll find someone like you...



I just want someone to hold me like you did. To make me feel safe and protected and warm.
Maybe even loved.
I want to rest my head on a solid chest. To feel hands intertwined in mine. Making me feel connected.
To feel strong arms around me, holding me close. To hear a heart beating. To feel rhythmic breathing.
I want fingers to run through my hair. Calming me. Making me feel beautiful again. Wanted. Needed.
To be there for someone as they are there for me. To feel skin against my own. A kiss on my hair. Lips against mine.
I want strong arms to hold me together. To stop me from breaking. To steady my breathing. To keep me from screaming.
I want to know that you want me. Care for me. Need me.
I don't want to doubt. Don't want to know the truth. To know that I was a burden. I wasn't fun or carefree like you thought I'd be.
I was work. Work you weren't ready for.
I don't want to be lied to. Deceived. To be told I was special. To be told you really wanted me.
I'm worth more than that and I deserve someone who knows it. Who wants me. Who loves me. Who won't make me feel like an inconvenience. An annoyance.
Someone who won't lie to me. Whose face won't betray the ugly truth behind the sweet words.
Someone I can count on. Someone I can be myself with. Who loves everything about me.
Someone who can cheer me up like you can, but who won't be the reason I'm upset in the first place.
So yes, I need someone like you, but I deserve someone far better.

The Worst In You

I think I know why it hurt me so badly when you said that I bring out the worst in you and make you not like who you are.
All my life, all I've ever really wanted is to make people happy. To make them feel better. I want people to see how beautiful and wonderful and amazing they are. I always try to encourage people, to show them that they are lovely, they have what it takes, they are God's perfect child and He loves them more than anything.
I never want people to leave me without feeling happier. I want them to see what I see, what God sees! I always thought that I encouraged you, I tried to anyways. I told you you helped me when I was hurting, I told you you always made me happy, I told you that you made me better.

I am so sorry that you don't like the side of you that I bring out.

But a part of me wonders if i bring out the real side of you. Not the side you hide behind, the mask, but the side that's struggling and honest and not perfect. The vulnerable side. And I wonder if that scares you. I wonder if you don't like that side of yourself because you don't know how to deal with it yet. If that's the case then I hope you learn how to! I hope you learn to embrace it and embrace you! Because you are incredible! You are made by a perfect savior! All your quirks and oddities, all your imperfections and weaknesses, all of you! He made you just the way that you are so that He could teach you things that no one else will ever learn quite like you do, so that you can help others reach their full potential. He made you and He loves you and He wants to help you! I hope you'll always let Him. I hope you'll let Him in, I hope you'll let your friends in, I'll hope you'll let people in! Not everyone will leave. And even if you were completely abandoned by all the people you know, He will NEVER abandon you. So give your friend's a chance. Open up. Be the man I know you are. It takes more strength to be vulnerable than to put up walls.

Once Upon A Time...

Once upon a time there was a little girl who had always longed to be loved and cherished. She grew up in a beautiful place with a wonderful family. She looked to her family to fill her need first. Surely they will always love me. They will satisfy me! She thought. And for a while, she believed that she was right. Her family loved her and cherished her. But as she grew up, she started to realize her family was not perfect. Sometimes they hurt her. They told her she needed to be better, that she had to change to be prettier, to get someone to really want her one day. Sometimes she felt guilty for disappointing them or causing trouble. She knew that they loved her, but she didn't always feel it. They couldn't satisfy her.

So she turned to her friends. All the other boys and girls loved to play and laugh and she longed to join them, but she felt different. They laughed at her and didn't understand why she was the way she was. She never really fit in. So instead of playing with them, she turned to books or made up her own friends. Then they thought the little girl didn't want to play with them so they left her alone. As she grew she decided that since she had already messed up with her family and her friends, she must cut herself off from all of them. I won't ever need them! I won't need anyone! So the little girl hid her fragile heart behind mean words. She hurt others before they could hurt her. She claimed she didn't care what others thought, but inside all she wanted was for someone to love her just the way she was.

Soon she realized that what she was doing was not working. She was tired of being mean, tired of no one wanting to be her friend. So she decided that she would never hurt anyone again. She would do everything she could to not be a burden. So the little girl hid her heart even more. For a while, it seemed to work. People started to like her again and she had friends. But, although she had one true friend, no one else really needed her. She got along with everyone, but still no one really seemed to truly want her. During all this time, she never did anything really bad. Her parents had taught her all about God and the girl knew how disappointed He would be in her.

Then the girl went away to college. Surely I'll make friends here! I'll find people who love me! She thought. And she did meet wonderful people! She finally made friends who truly cared about her and seemed different too! Maybe they'll accept me! She thought. So she slowly opened up her heart. She let a side of her show that few had seen before and it seemed to be working! Her friends loved her. But they still couldn't satisfy her and she still felt out of place. So, she turned to boys, but none seemed to want her. She was constantly let down because they never seemed to want her back. She kept giving away parts of her heart whenever a boy seemed like he might want her. But she never got any of their hearts back, so it only left a hole. One day a terrible thing happened to her, a boy took a part of her that she did not want to give him. She felt dirty and used. Now who will love me? No one can want me after this! The girl believed that she would never meet someone to fill her now. Then the girl met a boy. He was different. He was an amazing boy who seemed to really understand her. The boy and the girl became best friends. He was always there for her when she needed him. And soon, she began to fall for the boy, but she was scared that he would reject her too. Especially because of what had happened to her. She didn't want to tell him, she didn't know what he would think. But the boy found out and he didn't reject her. He told her that it was not her fault and he helped her when she hurt. Finally, he told her that he wanted her too. She was thrilled! Finally! Here's someone who wants me, who will never break my heart! 

So the girl started to open up her heart even more. She let the boy in and she trusted him. She told him everything because she thought he would be there for her, thought he really wanted to know her. And for a while, everything was perfect. The boy and the girl seemed meant to be. They made each other happy and she thought she had finally found what she had been looking for all these years. But then, the girl started to notice that something was wrong. The boy didn't seem to want her like she wanted him. She wondered what she had done wrong. She tried and tried to fix it, but then one day the boy told her it was over. The heart that she had so carefully hidden, had been exposed to him and now it was broken. She didn't know what to do. Why had this happened? What had gone wrong? So they girl started to blame herself. I must have scared him away. I'm a freak. No one could ever really want me. The girl didn't know what to do. She tried to fix herself and then it looked like the boy might want her again. He smiled at her and they talked like they used to. She started to feel hopeful and even though she didn't want to be hurt again, she let herself believe it could work.

When she finally got up the courage to ask the boy how he felt he told her that they could never work. He didn't really like who she was and he didn't want to truly know her. All of the times she had trusted him, all of the secrets she had told him-he didn't understand. He thought she just wanted attention. He didn't realize that she had only told him those things because she thought he would be different. He would really want to know who she was. But he didn't understand everything that made her who she was. He told her that she brought out the worst in him and he didn't like himself around her. This broke the girl's heart more than anything else. She didn't understand how he could feel that way when he brought out the best in her. She loved who she was when she was around him. All she had ever wanted to do was to make people happy and make them see how wonderful they were. But apparently the boy felt the opposite way. What had she done wrong? How had she messed up so badly? Now no one will love me.

Then, someone else came to the girl, someone different. He said that He loved her and that she was perfect. She asked Him why she felt so alone and out of place. He told her, "My child, you weren't made for this world. I put you here so that you could be a light to others. To guide them to me! You've been looking for your home here, for acceptance and love in this world, but the only place you can really find it is with me!" He told her that He had risked everything for her, had sacrificed His own son so that they could be together forever.  The girl told Him that she knew that, she knew He loved her, "But you see, I just need my friends to love me and a boy who will lever leave me. Then I'll be happy! I know I have you, but I need more!" The man looked sad. He told her that if she kept looking to this world she would never be happy, that He would never break her heart. He told her He wanted her to have all of those things that she desired, but that she had to be content with Him alone in order to truly her life and experience the love of others.  Finally the girl understood! She saw that if she kept looking to this world to satisfy her she would never be truly loved, because no one can love us as we long to be loved except for One who is perfect. We are all fallen and sinful. We can't fulfill each other. But we all have access to the one who truly satisfies!

So the girl told the man that she wanted to be satisfied in Him. To truly live for Him and tell everyone she knew how amazing He was! And from that day on, the girl never felt out of place or unloved again, because she had someone who was always there for her. Someone who loved her exactly the way she was!

The End

Guaranteed

We all know we could die tomorrow and nothing is guaranteed, but it's hard to really live that way. I think if you were given a specific time, like one month or one year, you would really live every moment as if it were your last. You would do all the things you have always wanted to but never had the courage to actually do. All the things you kept putting off for "later". If you didn't know that later would ever come, how would you live?

Take every chance you have because you never really know.

The One

He's got a smile that could light up the world,
but he doesn't want anyone to see.
He hides behind his pain and lies,
he can't imagine true happiness.
His world is full of storms and strife
when it should be full of hope.
Confusion consumes his days
uncertainty, his nights.
His concern for others overwhelms,
it engulfs his identity.
He's wrapped inside a web of lies,
screaming to be set free.

If he could only find the one,
the one to release him from the pain.
The girl he seeks embodies true beauty within,
she truly understands.
But every time he thinks he's found her
she eludes him once again.
If only he could catch her,
then everything would be all right.
But does she truly hold the answer?
Can she honestly end the ache?
His raw, bleeding heart screams "yes!"
but in his mind he doubts.

Only one can fully restore,
only one can resurrect
a broken soul, a crushed heart.
His name echoes in eternity,
the sky pours forth His glory.
All creation bows before Him,
His power and His might.
All He requires is all of you.
Scream out His name and feel His presence.
His heart breaks for the desperate,
He alone comforts the weary,
His peace can offer endless freedom.
Though the life He offers won't always be easy,
He will never leave you.

So cry out to Him and cling to His mercy.
Let an overwhelming surge of love crash over and engulf.
Be consumed by His power,
experience His grace.
Only then will there be relief.

One Day

I know there's something better
Something perfect waiting for me
If I can just hold out until I can finally see

Then all I've ever dreamed will be before my eyes
I can't wait for my day of understanding
The day it all becomes clear
When I finally see what's been waiting for me
The plan that was in place from the start

All the times my heart was breaking
All the tears I cried
All the confusion and pain
All the sadness, the hardships, the temptations

The days that never made sense
The days that pushed me to the edge
The days that left me begging for help
The days I fell to my knees

But one day the sky will be clear
My clouds will disappear
The storms will calm for a moment
And I'll see all that I hold most dear
In the center of everything, patient and strong
The One who's been there all along

My joy, my redeemer, my father, my friend
My shelter, my comfort, my saviour and then
I'll finally see all that He's done
His perfect plan, in place from the start
He has always been there, holding my heart